It's not me boss, it's you!

Quit your job like a rockstar.

If you’ve ever thought of faking your death and fleeing to Las Vegas just so you’d never have to see your office again, I feel your pain. A workplace with toxic employers, spiteful colleagues, and slavery-structure wages can have you asking yourself if you really need to pay those bills. It also makes you work extra hard to find an alternative. So, if you have, I couldn’t be happier for you.

If you’ve been thinking of how to quit, here are five personal ways to quit your job.

Don’t

Be the boss you were meant to be and ensure they never hear from you again. It doesn’t matter if they have your last paycheck or that your new workplace might actually ask for your resignation letter — this is all about you. Now is your chance to make them rue the day they crossed you, and I’m solidly behind you.

Buy a “sorry for your loss” card

Nothing can ever make up for them losing you. Your style, grace, and absolute awesomeness cannot be replaced, and it’s important to remind them of it. Besides, it’s not bragging if you add a “sorry”. Start it like this “May the Lord grant you the strength to bear your loss and grant me the strength to get over the PTSD that your organization has given me.”

Treat it like a break-up

Start it like this “It’s not me; it’s you.” They need to know. And remember; the most successful ex is the happier ex, so make sure to schedule a few photoshoots in a private jet. You might even convince a few other coworkers to leave, and if that isn’t success, I don’t know what is.

Start a resistance

Why wait to inspire your coworkers with your post-departure success when you can just leave with them? If your boss is as toxic as you know, why not use that to your advantage? You and your colleagues can put some money together and rent a limousine. Then you could throw a party, and when your boss comes to find out what’s going on, you can all quit together and then leave in the limo. I mean, what other revenge could be better?

Note that this might be illegal, so don’t say it directly. You could just send them this article instead 😉

Sing it?

This is to announce “I quit”
Here’s some ice for the pain
This office was always sh*t
You’ll never hear from me again!

It’ll help if you can rent out a band, be sure to add those extra vocals just to get your point across. A few Elvis pelvis twists are always a good idea too.

If all these plans don’t seem to fit your style, you could always write a boring-old resignation letter and turn it in 2 weeks beforehand

PS: If your boss happens to fire you first, you can always yell, “You can’t fire me; I quit!”

If you found this helpful, buy me a drink. Cheers 🍹​